Corner Office

I submitted this piece to NPR today for their contest "Three Minute Fiction." The contest required submissions to be 600 words or less, and written about this picture. Fingerscrossed!

I passed Kiko’s Koffee every morning when I worked at the bank. Some days I came in for a cappuccino, but I usually fixed my coffee at the office. I didn’t want to spend our money on coffee. Shelley and I were saving for a second home in Durango.

Now you can find me here every weekday morning. I get up at 6:30, like I did when life made sense. I stand in line for drip coffee and a paper. I take my seat at this corner table by the window and watch the passersby. They look rushed and stressed, in suits, lugging briefcases. They look exactly like I looked when I was one of them.

I thumb through the employment classifieds, but bank jobs are rarely advertised in the newspaper. When I got laid off, right after Shelley’s second diagnosis, I thought it was a blessing in disguise. It would give me more time to help her get well. I truly believed that the “financial downturn” would prove to be a finite blip, largely the invention of a Chicken Little minority. I could get a job again as soon as Shelley was out of the woods. We had our Durango nest egg. I could spend every penny on her care. Everything was going to be okay.

I did spend every penny on Shelley’s care, but everything was not okay. Similarly, the downturn was not a blip but a bona fide crisis. I lost the house at the very end. After I buried my wife, I moved in with my parents, destitute and entirely reliant upon their charity. Without the use of a time machine, I have stepped back in time 25 years. I’m single again, penniless, jobless and living under my father’s roof. Unfortunately, when the clock rolled back, it didn’t take my memory.

I call this table my corner office. “I’m off to my corner office!” I say to my parents, so they won’t worry about me so much. They know my levity is forced and sarcastic, but they take comfort nonetheless. At least I am trying to pretend I’m okay. They give me coffee money. I think that they need me to have a plan just as much as I need a reason to get up in the morning.

After I finish the employment section, I inevitably turn to the obituaries. Guilt seeps in as I read the remembrances because they give me some relief. For each person listed, there is someone like me, grieving and feeling like their universe is a silently exploding star. I imagine that we are all mutely waiting for gravity to pull our pieces back together.

My eyes skim the pages, stopping at pictures of smiling faces. I remember when Shelley’s smile was among them. She looked so alive. The caption might have read, “Local teacher raises 2nd grade reading scores,” or even “Local teacher saves kindergarten class from fire,” but not “Local teacher loses battle with breast cancer.” Never that.

I leave Kiko’s at 9:00 and head for the library and the second installment of my “workday”online job searching. I leave my paper behind for someone who could use a little something for free. It feels good. It’s a small charity that I never showed to people like me when I was a hurried passerby.

I leave it open to the obituaries. I want the next person to look at the smiling faces too. In this way, I give the dead one more person to bear witness to their lives, which, I suppose, is another kind of small charity.