What Happened Here?

What happened here... back

When these walls were as young as

the hands that built them.

Unknown

When I thought
I had arrived,
I had barely begun.
Now I'm shy to
Believe I know
Anything at all.

How do you know when
You have learned
All there is to learn.
You can't know
What you haven't yet
Come to know.

How do you prepare
For the inevitable
Pain of finding
You were not only
Ignorant but
Sorely mistaken.

How do you
Ever breathe relief
Knowing your next
Surprise may be the
One that hurts
The worst.

Home

Time has all but stopped, all still.
Everyday the same, I wait the
Groundhog in this "home" that isn't.
Time moves only slowly as my blood flows
And in my muscles fibers that will
No longer spring to action upon command.

Ever since I came here I have
Been trying to leave. Each time
They catch me three slow steps
Out the back door. 'Now, Mr. Arnold,
Where do you think you're going?'

Home. Obviously. I'm going home.
______________________________________
Life seems to have stopped, all still.
The bluster and the battery
Thankfully and still sadly missing.
It was the reason for my maddness
Never a moment to breath, no peace.
Now I have breathe but no reason.

Ever since I came here I have
Been trying to leave. Each time
They find me before the last beat
Of my heart. "Code Red. Alice!
Come back to us! Where are you going?"

Home. Obviously. I'm going home.
______________________________________
Peace comes and cravings slow to a still.
The pain and the opportunity no longer
A constant surrounding presence.
But I feel the time coming
With joy and gut-wrenching terror
When I will again be mine to destroy.

Ever since I came here I have
Been trying to leave. Each time
They help me back from the ledge.
Remind me. "Paul, the steps, the book.
Learn and heal so you can safely go."

Home. Obviously. I'm going home.

There is Still Time

Turn that ship around.

A Fundamental Want

Just one more drink.
Only a little bit more.
I want it like
I wanted Sarah
In the 7th grade.
A want that feels like
A fundamental need.
I couldn't focus.
I failed my tests.
I ate in a trance,
Walked like a zombie,
Planned all my movements
To be near her.
All energy directed at
Touching her just once.
That is the way I want
One more drink
Every single time.

Cool Quiet

Dreams of fall in the
Summertime, wishing for cool
Evenings and quiet.

Love at a Distance

Still surprised to find
Goodbye doesn't have to hurt.
I thought pain meant the
Love was real but I was wrong.

Inconstancy and
Fear does not signal true love.
Apart and at a
Distance does not mean broken.

I do miss you but
I am not destroyed by the
Sensation. Turns out
This is how it ought to be.