Sometimes

Sometimes I love him
Sometimes I like him
Sometimes I want to kiss his mouth
Sometimes I want to punch his face
Sometimes I feel he takes care of me
Sometimes I feel I am babysitting him
Sometimes he's so like me it feels like home
Sometimes he's so like me it pisses me off
Sometimes he's so different it's refreshing
Sometimes he's so different I can't understand him
Sometimes I want his loving affection
Sometimes I want just friendship
Sometimes I want his rapt attention
Sometimes I want him to leave me alone
Sometimes I think I could be with him forever
Sometimes I think I can't even be with him right now

Come and Go

If you wait long enough
It will all come and go.
Sometimes only time
Can move the needle.
Sometimes
No effort
No willpower
No conviction
Can release you
From the present moment.
You just have to wait
Until is it past.

Prism

Open wide the walls of your mind
Choose not perceptions small
As a single shaft of light
Step in front of the source
Be a prism shining the light
In all colors, in all directions
Only then can you begin to see
The boundless possibilities
One shaft of light will
Keep out the darkness
But you will miss such beauty

What Price Beauty

If you don't find your love
Before your beauty is gone
Is the love you find after
Truer than the love that
Comes to the beautiful?

Abandoning Madness

Sometimes I drive the madness
And sometimes the madness drives me.

Today, napping in the passenger seat,
I wake to find we've stopped.
Madness is in the restroom
And I'm all alone.

I climb over the shift and turn the key
As I back up, he comes out of the bathroom
Eyes wide. As I drive off, he runs behind
Arms waving.

But I'm gone.
Windows down.

the reason

and I hope to spend
many more hours
making you laugh.
your smile
makes me glad.
I want to be
the reason.

The Practice of Goodbye

Goodbye. The sharp heat of the word
Stings my waiting lips.
The loud silence of the turned back
Rings in my searching mind.
The dreadful still in the space once occupied.
This empty heart. These empty arms.

Ridiculous I may be but
I am surprised to discover
Goodbye, excruiating and cruel,
Is so common as to be mundane.
Like speech or step, well-practiced,
Universally enacted.

Again and again we say
Goodbye to one another.
Again and again we
Part from one another
In body or in spirit,
Deserters and abandoners, all.

How did I not know this?
How am I so unprepared?
So long I have practiced my hello.
So long I have widened
The space in my heart, the breadth of my arms.
I have no talent for goodbye.

Though I am not anxious to learn
This painful art of goodbye
We, none of us, escape
So, I will learn my lesson well
In the hope that there will be
No need for further practice.

How Much

I'm doing fine
I'm a very lucky girl
And I'm grateful for everything I have
But every once in a while,
In a quiet moment, I remember
Just how much I loved you.

Possession

That which we had we still possess,
Though leaves may drop and stars may fall;
No circumstance can make it less
Or take it from us, all in all.

That which is lost we did not own;
We only held it for a day--
A leaf by careless breezes blown:
No fate could take our own away.

I hold it as a changeless law
From which no soul can ever sway or swerve,
We have that in us which will draw
Whate'er we need or most deserve.

Even as the magnet to the steel
Our souls are to the best desires;
The Fates have hearts and they can feel--
They know what each true heart requires.

We think we lose when most we gain;
We call joys ended ere begun;
When stars fade out do skies complain,
Or glory in the rising sun?

No fate could rob us of our own--
No circumstance can make it less;
What time removes was but a loan,
For what was ours we still possess.

By: Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Nothing

Where have you gone?
I look for you and see nothing.
I reach for you and find nothing.
I miss you and feel emptiness
That I wish could feel like
The nothing that is left of you.

Building on Serenity

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Though they may threaten to tear me in two. Make me know, in the end, everything will be okay.

God, grant me the courage to change the things I can. Though I feel weak, I have the power to direct the course of my life. Make me know, I am powerful and worthy.

And the wisdom to know the difference. Though it is so hard to tell when the pain is acute. Make me know, sometimes the best course of action is to "let it be."

Overloud

Noise and violence.
How are we immune?
Innoculated in the womb?
Born to loath silence.

Live Free

We must breathe
We must struggle
It is inescapable
Time carries us
Unconcerned
As a wave carrying
One or one billion
Grains of sand

We all know pain
We all know sorrow
Our insignificance
Masked in emotions
Deeply moving
Consuming
But we need not suffer
I choose not to suffer

I have been given love
I have been given joy
I will not stomp my foot
Petulant, affronted
I will open my arms
Gratefully
Grieve when I must
And live free

With or Without

I stand with you
At a cross-roads.
There are two paths.
You have chosen yours.
I must choose to
Go with you or
Go alone.

I lean into you
Unwilling to surrender
The joy and comfort
I've found with you.
You hold me.
You want me to join you.
But you won't ask.

Your path is bright.
Inviting.
Everything I want
Lies on your path
Save one.
One life. One little life.
Can I live without it?

The other path is dark.
Obscured.
I can't know what
Lies on that path.
A little life?
Maybe not.
Can I live with it?

The Hardest Lie

The hardest lie I tell myself
Is that there is only one path to joy
And I am not on it

I create my life, a labyrinth
And stand paralyzed, afraid to choose a direction
Fearing monsters

Meanwhile, joy stands behind me
Patiently waiting for me to allow it
To walk beside me

How long will I make it wait?
How long will I ignore the truth that joy will
Gladly go with me down any path?

Unreliable Narrator

I am not in danger
But I can't convince myself.
I can't quiet the fear,
The voice inside that says,
Nothing's right.
Nothing's good enough.
Nothing's safe.

She's an unreliable narrator
Building a story of woe
That hasn't happened yet
And very likely won't.
Still she speaks
And I listen
And tremble.

What is she afraid of?
That I will suffer?
I suffer now in fear.
That I will lose?
I lose because of fear.
That I will hurt another?
I hurt others through my fear.

And suddenly I find that
Because of fear
All that I fear is realized.

Indian Giver

When I could not fight
And I could not fly
I pleased to survive.
I gave myself up.
Collapsing around the center.
Limp like prey, powerless.

But now I can fight
And I can fly.
I can choose when to please
And when to follow my pleasure.
I may have given me willingly
but I am taking me back.

Don't try to stop me.
I'm not feeling generous.

Peace

Don't despair.
Believe in the innocent you once were.
She is not lost but wizened by pain.
Shed hard won wisdom and be wild
When you feel your heavy heart overtake you.
You were happy once. You were simpler.
Remember. Feel it. Let it grow again.
She will come back to you like an old friend.
And joy can then be the sense
That soothes you as you fall to sleep.
Silence no longer frightening.
Action no longer exhaustion.
Peace.

Unknown

When I thought
I had arrived,
I had barely begun.
Now I'm shy to
Believe I know
Anything at all.

How do you know when
You have learned
All there is to learn.
You can't know
What you haven't yet
Come to know.

How do you prepare
For the inevitable
Pain of finding
You were not only
Ignorant but
Sorely mistaken.

How do you
Ever breathe relief
Knowing your next
Surprise may be the
One that hurts
The worst.

Home

Time has all but stopped, all still.
Everyday the same, I wait the
Groundhog in this "home" that isn't.
Time moves only slowly as my blood flows
And in my muscles fibers that will
No longer spring to action upon command.

Ever since I came here I have
Been trying to leave. Each time
They catch me three slow steps
Out the back door. 'Now, Mr. Arnold,
Where do you think you're going?'

Home. Obviously. I'm going home.
______________________________________
Life seems to have stopped, all still.
The bluster and the battery
Thankfully and still sadly missing.
It was the reason for my maddness
Never a moment to breath, no peace.
Now I have breathe but no reason.

Ever since I came here I have
Been trying to leave. Each time
They find me before the last beat
Of my heart. "Code Red. Alice!
Come back to us! Where are you going?"

Home. Obviously. I'm going home.
______________________________________
Peace comes and cravings slow to a still.
The pain and the opportunity no longer
A constant surrounding presence.
But I feel the time coming
With joy and gut-wrenching terror
When I will again be mine to destroy.

Ever since I came here I have
Been trying to leave. Each time
They help me back from the ledge.
Remind me. "Paul, the steps, the book.
Learn and heal so you can safely go."

Home. Obviously. I'm going home.